one way or another,.: February 2011

So, I heard today that someone I know almost attempted suicide the other night and it really got me thinking. Life is really short. I mean, people die all the time. Some people choose death, some people play with it, some people are sentenced, others taken without much choice in the matter, and lastly, the ones who choose it. Either way, death is here, it is active, and it is very much "alive."

I feel like I need to get a jump start on life, or a re-start seems to make more sense, I guess? I'm always the one bringing people together, whether it be a small get-together, a raging (yes, raging) party, or just hooking up two friends. Well, I'm just wondering...but when is it my turn? When is it my turn to sit back and be invited. Or sit back and end up being the lucky girl who gets hooked up with this "great guy who totally gets me"? huh? Not that I'm in some huge rush or anything like that, quite frankly, I love being single. I love not answering to anybody but myself. I love coming and going as I please. I love being "her" instead of "them." I love being "me" instead of "we." And most of all, I love being responsible for how I feel, all the while not worrying about how it might make "him" feel. Do I HAVE to be single to enjoy life without these awful things though?

That's where the lines (& by the lines mean MY lines) lines get blurry. I mean let's be real, this shit is getting fuzzier and fuzzier by the day here. Pretty soon I won't be able to see at all. I hate to play the blame game, and I'm not big on self-diagnosing oneself, but I feel like I may be pushing my "issues" from one person to another. Before I dated ______, I didn't really give a fuck about relationships. If a guy was being annoying, lazy, lame, sleezy, fuck it - time for me to break it off. I DID NOT GIVE A SHIT - his loss. But ohhh no, not with ______. Everything was different this time around. I was determined to set my issues aside, and "work things out." I can count the number of times all my other exes have made me cry on one hand, but now - with ______ in the picture, i might need to start making tally marks on a legal pad hoping I don't run out of room. I mean really, the girl who has never been broken up with in her life all the while has been in plenty of relationships, sitting there in a beaten down truck with an ipod and the xx playing extra loud so she couldn't hear her own thoughts because of some guy. What in the fuck happened to me when I dated him...I do not know. Maybe being around crazy people makes you really and truly crazy. Or maybe I was just going through an EARLY mid-life crisis. Either way, I was insane and out of my fucking mind. The shit I put him through, and the SHIT he put me through...I don't know how I made it that far. I did things that went not just a little, but COMPLETELY against my conscious. Against my morals, my values, and most importantly, myself as a whole. Not that I need to mention, because honestly, I'm not writing this to trash my ex and act like he's the only fucked up guy in this town. I'm writing this because I don't necessarily want to share it all with everyone, but with it being on the internet and all at least I know it's out there. Out of my head, and onto paper, or a computer screen...whatever.

Anyways, I don't know what happened to me in that "short" amount of time, but the point is, it fucked me up. Break ups are hard, if they were easy, they would have a different name.

The point is, I really need to shape the fuck up, get some damn control of my life, and not feel like I need to rely on someone else to be happy. I need to get back to the point in which I love myself enough to be alone for more than 3 hours at a time without feeling like I'm going to have a damn anxiety attack. I gotta fix shit, while the gettin's still good. Oh, and re-learn to love myself for who I am, even though some guy couldn't.