you thought you've caught my slight of hand, but you could never understand.

i have decided my whole life revolves around the fact--or saying, "if you want something bad enough, it will come to you." yeah, well i think that saying is total bullshit. besides that, last night made me feel a lot better. "old" friends, the few that you've had forever, are always the best. no matter how much shit you go through, they always pull through at the best times. thanks :)

may '06

nostalgia is really kicking my ass these days. i've made mistakes, i've done such wrong. i want happiness again, i want the past back in the palms of my hands.

then there was me

today was quite nice. last spanish class for the semester, pedicure with kristina, and v for vendetta with mike. today has made me realize that i have no idea what i want in life, all i am sure of is that i want to succeed at something worthy of my time and i want to make others happy. i have decided that this coming fall, i am going to work my ass off in school. i feel like i have slacked so hard this semester, and that is not fair. not to myself or my parents, who pay for all of my schooling. i am beyond grateful, and it's time that i show it. math is kicking my ass, and it always will. what is the point of being asian if i am not skinny and cute with super slanty eyes, or at least super smart? what the fuhhhh?



also, i do not know exactly why you dislike me as of now, but i wish you luck in whatever you are trying to do, whether it be finding happiness, better friends, or whatever.

sincerely, me.

i've been searching for somethin'

all my life i have been telling myself that when i am old enough, i will get the hell out of this town, pack all my shit, and move to california. it's funny how you grow older and realize that no matter where you go, the "shit" is always going to be the same. i've got problems i can't run from, which are the worst kind of problems to begin with. who the fuck was i kidding? california isn't going to solve shit. i was kidding myself, making myself feel better for the moment. but now, now i know there isn't anything i can exactly "run away" from at all. i feel terrible, and i don't know how what to do. i've been spending a lot of time alone lately, and i don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. either way, it has lead me to realize life isn't half as peachy as i thought it was. i just need something to cheer me up, for once.

i
am
tired
of
feeling
drained
all
of
the
time.

est 1990

my mother's friend once told me that i really need to work on forgiving you. i don't think i ever can, and no matter how hard i try, i don't think i will ever be able to. will this cause me to always be the way that i am now? i feel like i am never 100% happy simply because of the hate i have brewing inside of me. i don't hate you, i just hate how i am not included in your life - at all. you will never know ME. and i will never know YOU. people that have known me for less than a year know me better than you ever will. this is your choice, completely YOUR choice. i blamed myself for so long, but in reality...none of this is my fault. i wish it was because blaming myself and forgiving myself would be much, much easier. where have you been all my life? i admire you for following your dreams, i admire you for becoming who you are today, but i despise the toll it has taken on me and my life. do you know what you have taken from me? i don't know how to fix this, and it kills me.



And all you see is where else you could be When you're at home
And out on the street Are so many possibilities to not be alone

The flames and smoke climbed out of every window
And disappeared with everything that you held dear
But you shed not a single tear for the things that you didn't need
Cause you knew you were finally free

so much more than i bargained for, but nothin' i can't handle.

I'm coming up only to hold you under
I'm coming up only to show you wrong
And to know you is hard and we wonder
To know you all wrong, we were

Really too late to call, so we wait for
Morning to wake you; it's all we got
To know me as hardly golden
Is to know me all wrong, they were

At every occasion I'll be ready for a funeral
At every occasion once more is called a funeral
Every occasion I'm ready for the funeral
At every occasion one brilliant day funeral

I'm coming up only to show you down for
I'm coming up only to show you wrong
To the outside, the dead leaves, they all blow
For'e they died had trees to hang their hope

At every occasion I'll be ready for the funeral
At every occasion once more is called the funeral
At every occasion I'm ready for the funeral
At every occasion one brilliant day funeral

i wish someone could see this the exact same way that i do.

MISS AMERICAN PIE

Did you write the book of love,
And do you have faith in God above,
If the Bible tells you so?
Do you believe in rock 'n roll,
Can music save your mortal soul,
And can you teach me how to dance real slow?

"saves the day"

i love the way i feel around you. today was so nice :D ahhh, i could write so much more, but i am just so happy i am speechless, literally speechless. and to top it all off, i come home and there is a pair of low black emus, size 8 sitting on my bed. i love my mother. yeeeeeee!!!!!! GOOOOOOODnight!

supreme happiness; utter joy or contentment.

so, i googled "bliss" and this came up. it is called "the sensuous path to bliss" and i like it. i'm not sure why there are so many arms and two heads, i will never understand the significance of that...

anyways, i enjoy spending my time with you. i like how you are a friend, and simply that. it's so nice to have a guy around who isn't only interested in doing me. i know we haven't know each other long, but i like what i see in you so far. i like who i think you are...your bluntness is my favorite thing about you, and i appreciate it more than you know. it's nice that i have finally "met my match," as you stated earlier. arguing is my favorite thing to do, and you so beat me at it, without even the slightest effort. and for the record...yes, you are always right.

so here i am, happy. i love everything about my life right now. i love the people i have in it, i love that i am lucky enough to attend college, and i love my job despite the lack of hours and occasional bullshit that comes along with it. put up with shit and move on. summer is so close.

PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS

woo! i feel like i have accomplished so much in the past 2 days! fixed some shit, broke some shit, started some shit(?), and ended some SHIT. school is ending soon, and i am so excited. my cousin should be here within a week i believe, and my dad will be here in july. things are only looking up from now on. i hope i get this job at pj's. i'm excited about thursday too! going job hunting with melissa should be fun :) OH OH! and i am going to richmond with britt, her friend rob, and hopefully mike? woooo!

joshua stallard

you have successfully made me feel like the biggest piece of shit in the entire world, yet again.
you got what you wanted, congratulations. i hope you have a great night.
see you at work tomorrow, how exciting.

yeah,

i'm gunna get so much shit for that last blog. nice.

seventy times 7

i don't have time for this bullshit! caitlin is the only girl i know who doesn't cause drama 24/7. yes, she may be dramatic at times, but who isn't? shelby, she knows you're talking to ian, and everyone thinks it's fucked up. just so ya know. and dorie, you hooked caitlin up with your brother in the first place, who are you to try and tell them they aren't right for eachother? this is too much bullshit. caitlin is a good friend, and she doesn't deserve shit from you two. come on girls, damn!

good genes, bad jeans?

no matter how much i embrace being a "brown" girl over being a "white" girl, i will always wish to look as pretty as my mother, with her golden-blonde curly hair and bright blue eyes. i need to go tanning so that my skin matches my hair once again. instead, i will be at work, making hardly any $$$.

P.S.

i might not have gotten anything i planned on receiving today, but i did find someone who i can count on...silly me, he has been there all along. i think papa john's was the best job i ever had simply because it allowed me to meet such good people. sleep tight. <3

creeper!

silly boys, make your own friends.
WOOOOW.
anyways! i'm glad i got out the house today, because i would have gone fucking nuts sitting in my room all day. tonight was fun, and although i had to take a trip to norfolk, seeing marcus for a few hours was so nice! he's such a good person, i love the people i've been surrounding myself with lately. gooooodnight, i got nothing i wanted today, but i did get to see some good people!

shitty bitch.

i love how i have always had to fucking work for what i want, and the one time my mom is about to help me out by paying for something that i plan on paying her back for, all of a sudden it's not okay anymore. fuck this shit, i can't wait to get the fuck out of here. i am so fucking thankful for everything she has done for me, and i have always fucking payed her back for everything. she has borrowed money from me plenty of times, and half the time i never ended up seeing that money again. did i ever bitch about it? NO. this is fucking bullshit.

fyi

for the record, you are NOT what i described below. it's over, we're over. and i'm sorry you aren't okay with it, but you are almost an adult, keep your feelings to yourself and stop trying to make me feel bad for taking control of my life. i want us to be decent, i want to be here for you, and i want to be your friend. it's up to you to make me feel like trying harder because let me tell you what, when you make me feel like shit every time i talk to you, that does nothing but make me feel like i no longer want to be part of your life. alright?

rich-joseph facun

where have you been?

very demanding.

i want:
the LG Dare, the Canon XSI, a full size bed, a down comforter, a plane ticket to abu dhabi, more tattoos, a tan, and most of all, someone who i can count on.

i would also like to stumble upon a guy who talks as well as he listens, doesn't smoke cigarettes, doesn't do drugs everyday, likes to go out and have a good time, is okay with having days to ourselves, lets me have my girl days while i let him have his guy days, doesn't exactly want a relationship, but doesn't want to be considered "free" either, appreciates photography as much as i do, offers to pay the bill, but sometimes let's me pick it up, holds open the door, smiles at me from across the room, kisses me on the cheek/nose, cherishes his family, calls me something original (not baby or babe), goes thrifting with me, DRIVES ME PLACES, introduces me to his friends, and knows how i feel by the look in my eyes.

i know, i know...that's why i called this entry "very demanding."

beauty and danger, safety and harm.

i'm not making enough money at work, so now i need another job.
i can hardly focus on school with shit being like this at home.
i just want things to be...okay.
is that too much to ask for?
i want someone who can take my mind off of everything.
i want someone who will remind me just how beautiful this world can be.
not a relationship, those are too messy.
not someone to be tied down to.
just someone easy to talk to.
someone who listens.
anyone, anyone?

easter sunday

i couldn't agree more.

nucking futs

that's what you drive me. and NOT in the good way. at all.
distance is a beautiful thing, but that doesn't mean i am trying to push you away.
anyways, time to get some real sleep, NIGHT.






tomorrow is going to be great :)

ryan king and josh kelly

i love those two boys so fucking much. they know why, and whoever else was there, knows too. that's all i have to say. whew last night was a blast, i love making up with people and having a good time. herrow 3 hrs of sleep plus a 2 hr nap on the side...i hate myself for hardly sleeping, i am STILL hungover and do NOT want to work. josh kelly's house tonight?! idk if i can make it, but i want to! and why the hell is dairy queen open until 11? people wonder why obesity is a serious problem now-a-days. HMM?!

75degrees

MMM it is so gorgeous out!!! i love mini adventures to thrift stores :) you are so fun to hangout with, even if you are super quiet at times. tonight is going to be the perfect ending to a very mediocre, yet enjoyable day :)

comedy night

whoever reads this should go check out kevin berard at the cinema cafe on independence on thursdays. he's funny, and cute too! needless to say, i had a great time tonight :)

YES!

time fixed. wooooo, best thing accomplished today, by far.

2day is rly thursday.

i hate this fucking blog sometimes. it gets me into trouble. anyways, today has been fucking ridiculous. FML.

when i fly solo, i fly so high.

Pour another round on me,
pour another round on me.
You know I'm good for it,
you know me.
You know I'm good for it,
you know my family.

my name is amber

and i am one sneaky ass mother fucker.

apparently i get away with a lot more than i know, lol.
someone please stop being a coward and tell me who they are and exactly how i am so sneaky, because i am really astonished that one would think so. i do what i want, when i want, and most people know about it...i don't know what exactly it is that you think i am being sneaky with. HMM?




ps - i LOVE astronautalis.

hehehehehe

i am sneaky like zee fox!
s- m--- b---- s- l----- t---
good god, man!
life is good.


SUMMER WHERE YOU @?!

8am

last night was nice, i love hanging out with you. i love being around people that are easy to talk to, it just makes things so much easier. i'm really glad we met. i am up so early! this is weird. i really need to get started on that 750 w.c. paper seeing as how it's due tomorrow and i haven't even started with the outline yet. damn i am such a procrastinator :/ i think i might lay down for a bit and then get in the shower and THEN work on my paper. no spanish class for me today, i need to get this shit done! i wish my tattoo would hurry up and heal, i am so impatient with these things. ugh!

strange

i had some weird ass dreams last night, they were all so vivid, too. very weirddd. anyways, today is so rainy but pretty, i just took the best nap ever. it was wonderful. now i'm about to go hangout with kevin i believe. whew, i feel a lot better!

RVA

i love richmond oh so much. driving there sucks, but once we all get there we will be riding bike anyways, right? right. anyways, it was a blast minus the bit of hostility here and there. plus, i got my mom's initials tattooed on my wrist, and i love itttt. Lucky 13 in richmond on w. broad street is good, btw. i also love being able to get away from va beach for the weekend, it felt nice. i feel like i have so much to type but i am just so tired it ain't even funnay. plus, i have an 8 o'clock class tomorrow, which is super lame. never again will i ever have an 8 o'clock class. this shit sucks ass, on the real. well, i'm sure i'll have the energy to add more tomorrow, but as for now, i am about to turn on the tv and pass out. i waste electricity, sorry. mmm i love my life. goodnight.





ps-i want a cute guy friend who won't try and get into my pants...where you boys at?

reeechmond mon!

i am so so so so so so excitedddd. eeeek! i can't wait to get the fuck out of here, people are such dick heads (hence the conversation below). $200 to spend in richmond, i might just come back with a suprise. <333333333333

pffffffft

i am so fucking glad that i am going to richmond this weekend, i swear to god i am so tired of this place and a VAST majority of the people here. cute, nice, boys with cars, where you @? i don't wanna do you, i don't wanna be your girl, i just wanna fucking hangout. jesussss.

LOL @ myself.

Im Ready Fa War (12:03:20 AM): so when you takin' me out to olive garden babe?

eww its amberr (12:03:41 AM): fuck no.

Im Ready Fa War (12:03:52 AM): shotdown

eww its amberr (12:05:30 AM): hahaha

eww its amberr (12:05:32 AM): fial

eww its amberr (12:05:33 AM): *fail

eww its amberr (12:05:34 AM): wow

Im Ready Fa War (12:05:37 AM): LOL

eww its amberr (12:05:38 AM): for real.

Im Ready Fa War (12:05:38 AM): the irony

eww its amberr (12:05:40 AM): hahahah

if he was to write a song;

Take a leaf of paper and draw your mind,
Your bourbon brown that can burn my eyes,
I lost your presence underneath the bridge

Lock the door, let's talk it out,
Against the wall, hands on my mouth,
Could this be it, is it really over now?

You wore a pink t-shirt and khaki pants,
You sang your songs and danced your dance,
I unwrapped your presents underneath your feet

Nine to eleven you're getting weak,
The tile is cold, I can barely speak,
And I think she's gone, but I'll be sure for safety's keeping

If you say no, then no it will be,
I'll stick it at our skin, pierced with colly strings,
Just play it cool yeah, and try avoid being seen

I'll stick it at our skin, pierced for nothing

Well yeah I saw inside the mirror and your smoking gun,
Along in the sign, the hours, the subscribing one by one,
And I fell so fast in Sufat's bedroom,

You said you saw it coming but you didn't see nothing,
Your eyes are on the living room your eyes are on the closet,
Don't worry about, don't worry about anything

A pity invitation to an akward house,
For pseudo-boy who would rather wear a blouse,
I sincerely saw your skin for the very first time

My curly hair and a voting booth,
Confessingly, this is the first time I've loved you,
And God I mean, God I mean it, I hope that I mean it

'Cause like dying young, idols got the best of me,
Well don't stop calling, you're the reason I love losing sleep,
And the building collapse, we'll shop one for something

I'll stick it at our skin, pierced for something

Besides, don't release me until it's over
And besides, you can't believe without bleeding
And besides, you can't believe without bleeding



Things need to return to normal...because whatever "normal" was, i liked it. a lot.
please come home, please make her want you home.

2am and just walking in

i love late nights spent with all the boys. no matter how hard they fuck me or my friends over sometimes...they are just boys, and i love them all. no matter what. sowwy?