dpmf,
let me start by saying that although i do not regret the time we spent together, i do regret the way we treated each other. i am in no way implying that i think "we" could ever really work, i just think we could have been a lot nicer to each other, ya know? i was really bummed that everything ended the way it did, but family is first and most important in my life, because (like you have beautifully illustrated) family will ALWAYS be there for me. even when you (or anyone for that matter) aren't. i know i wasn't perfect, but being with you really taught me how much of a nurturer that i can be, and how much i really love it. dating you made me proud of myself, it showed me that love really does exists, and that no matter how fucked up i feel like i am at times, there will always be someone there who beats it. i don't mean that in a shitty way (not that you'll be reading this and get offended anyways) but by saying this, i'm trying to say that i appreciated seeing someone else get the short end of the stick and knowing that shit can be a lot harder than i have had it. dating you also made me grateful for my family, and grateful of how truly loving and helpful my family is. living with you for a few months was something i will never take for granted because it was beautiful. it was beautiful to fall asleep next to the person i loved and wake up the next morning to coffee, even if you were in a rush. it was nice to be able to see a family other than mine love me and care for me like i was one of their own. it was all nice. i miss movie nights, and i miss the kids. i miss little bella roo roo, and i secretly even miss the mice. i miss your mom getting so wasted that she would talk to me for hours, and i miss your dad trying to teach me his ways in the kitchen or on the grill. i miss peeling shrimp and i miss cleaning the table. i miss the numbness of my feet on your front porch and the ultra cluttered garage. i miss napping in your room while you were at work, and i miss waking up and waiting for you to get home. however, it is always easier to remember the good memories because i only choose to remember those. i don't want to remember the bad times, but i am quite aware that they took place, and for that, i am so glad it is over. thank you for taking the time to call me that night i texted you from kelly's gingernut pub, because all i needed was some closure, and thanks to autumn and yourself, that was all that happened. that was all that needed to happen, and nothing feels greater than knowing about your life when you know nothing about mine. as childish as it sounds, i feel like i won. for once in my life, i truly won. not by dating you, not by breaking up with you, not by being happier than i have been in AGES, but simply because unlike you, i know when to swallow my pride, and for that, i will always be on top.
forever,
amber.
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