Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

i don't even know what the hell to say to you anymore. you have let me down more than i thought possible by anyone, let alone yourself. i feel like the relationship we have is slowly starting to deteriorate and i can't honestly say that i give a shit, not even a little bit. not even at all. there's something in me that wants to try, that wants to forgive and move the fuck on, but you know what? right now i am 20 years old and it's about fucking time i stop letting myself be hurt by your bullshit. it's about time i do me, and you do you. not that you haven't been doing that, but this time it's really about you. you and your family. me and mine. that's how this is gunna go down, and you know what? i'm not okay with it, so i won't even begin to try and convince myself that i am anymore, but i'm also not going to keep making an effort when i don't feel like i'm getting anything in return. the sad thing is i'm not so sure if it's even worth it anymore. worth it anymore to me, or to you. i have acquaintances who know more about me than you ever have or ever will, and it baffles me to know that you care so much but don't show it. do you know how that feels? do you know how it feels for me when i can't let myself just relax and get comfy with someone because the minute i do, i just know that they will stop caring and give up and on me. i have broken up with every single person i have ever dated because i feel like if i don't leave them first then i'll risk being hurt instead. i can't sacrifice feeling the way you make me feel when i know that i have control over it. i don't feel good enough for you, so how could i be good enough for anyone? i don't want your money, i don't want your emails, what i do want is for you to figure things out, support your new family, take care of your kids (excluding me of course), love your wife, and give them all the things i missed out on. i appreciate the blog post about me and how my "compassion and infinite understanding of me(being you) is profound" but you have it all wrong. i am no longer understanding, and the only thing i have compassion for is to learn the real meaning of love and learn to not let your lack of influence and presence deter me from committing to someone and believing that they would never leave me, even when times get hard. you are family, and i am here because of you, and for that, i will always love you. however, as for now, i seem distant because i want to be. because i am 20 and for the first time in my life, i am not seeking you or anyone else's approval. i am focusing on school, my friends, my family, and my job. and that, just that, is all i have the energy for anymore.