Friday, August 28, 2009

worst fucking headache in a long time, thanks dad.

i'm so so so so so sorry i'm such an inconvenience to you. i'm sorry for my constant struggle to have somewhat of a normal relationship with you. i'm sorry for being so "out of the way." i'm sorry i think it's completely fucking ridiculous, no - hilarious, that your wife can spend $350 on lingerie and it be no big deal but when i ask for a mere $200-$250 for school books it's a problem. if my education wasn't so damn important to me, i would be more than happy to completely disappear out of your life. trust me. i'm tired of feeling like the red-headed step child. i'm tired of feeling like i'm not worth your time. i'm tired of you never being seriously involved in my life. fyi: i don't care what any of you who read this think, so fuck off if you have anything negative to say about the following: with that being said, it really fucking bothers me how much i care about your feelings when mine clearly don't matter half as much to you. maybe they do? who knows? it sure would be nice to be certain about anything when it comes to you. my mom says that she thinks sometimes you just don't think about things before you carry them out, well you know what? i don't give a shit. you are an adult, yeah, sure...you make mistakes. i realize no one is perfect, and i realize everyone has flaws, but i am tired. i'm tired of being your flaw, i'm tired of being your mistake, and most of all, i'm tired of searching for a dad who's never going to be there. not for my graduation for you to tell me how proud you are, not for my prom to tell me how beautiful i look, not for the days when i just needed someone to talk to, not for the guidence throughout my teenager years, not for the nosebleeds i inherited from you, not for knowledge on how to take a good photograph, not for any of the things i really needed you to be HERE for. i push everyone who gets even remotely close to me so far away it's not even funny. why? because you make me feel like i'm not good enough for anyone. if i don't feel like i'm good enough for my father, who am i good enough for? i wish i knew.

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